All about losing it…

Although this isn’t my first time blogging – this is the 1st blog I’m not sharing w/family & friends, simply b/c I’m venting about my weight loss struggles and I’d prefer not to share my actual weight with them.

I know that for my own health it’s important to lose this weight, but not only for my health- for my daughter also. She’s 3 yrs old & it’s not fair to her that I get tired so easily & would rather sit on the couch to read her a book than take her outside b/c it requires so much energy. I feel horrible when I see her looking outside, wishing she could spend more time out there. My husband & I spend all our time (outside of working) with her. We do crafts & read to her & play w/her. But it’s all indoors stuff that doesn’t require a lot from me. How fair is that? She’s such a beautiful little girl & she definitely deserves more from me. I’m determined to lose the weight, not just for me, but for her as well! She’ll be starting school in 2 yrs & I surely don’t want her to be embarrassed by me! I’m embarrassed by me as it is. She’s too young at this point to understand about people being judged by their looks/weight. She loves me unconditionally, I know that, but I don’t want to cause her any problems. I wouldn’t be able to live w/myself if I put her in that position – which, no doubt at this weight & figure – I would!

So here it goes…I would like to lose 187 lbs – obviously that means that I’m up there…This is the first time I’ve EVER typed this and put it on “there” for the “world” to see…I feel queasy as I type this…

I got onto the scale, just before coming down & starting this…328..

ouch! It’s an ugly number & hurtful to type. Although, from what I’ve read – my goal weight should be around the 145-149 area – I’m not greedy – 165 would be a beautiful # to me and A LOT more healthy than where I’m at now!

Ok – a little more about me (besides that UGLY, awful number)… ::gagging::

I’m 31, about 5′4 (this is what I was just told at my last dr. appt – although previously I always measured @ 5′5). I have had a weight problem pretty much my whole life. I remember being chunky starting around 2nd grade. It stayed that way til around 6th, when I started gaining weight to even more than a “chunky” girl.

I started dieting in about 7th grade. I lost some weight, but was still heavier than most of my friends. My sophomore year, I lost quite a bit & looked really good. I again gained it all back & then some.

The rest of my high school years I gained a lot, & lost a few pounds here & there, but nothing like what I was gaining. It got worse my jr yr, as my parents thought it was best to move us from the city, where I attended a school that was getting more violent out to a country school where everyone was white. I was used to the mix & although I’m white, most of my friends were mexican & my best friend was black. It was quite a culture shock for me. The people were not friendly, but then, the cliques & friends were made years before..we were all in our last 1/2 of highschool – a time when strangers are not welcome. Not to mention my original hs and the new one had different curriculums. So what were jr classes at the old one, were sophomore at the new ones & what were jr at the new ones were sophomore at the old one. I was stuck in most classes w/sophomores – which sucked even more. That, along w/my father having an affair & moving 2 1/2 hrs away, took it’s toll on me & food was my comfort.

My senior yr, I met my husband (Dennis) through my best friend. He was goofy, but very sweet & funny. I graduated & had already applied & been accepted to a school 5 hrs away. I didn’t think it was a big deal, b/c at this point he & I had only dated for about a month. However, after spending our whole summer together, it was very hard for me to leave to go away to school. Once down there, I had even more control of my food & ate way too much – and of course, all of it was horrible.

I came home almost every weekend & always bought snacks to eat on the way back & forth.

I transferred after the 1st semester was completed to a school closer to home. The following year, Dennis & I moved in together. I dieted a lot – sometimes I did great – but most of the time, not so much. In June of 1999 @ 22, I got pregnant. It was not planned, but we were excited none the less! In August of 99, I miscarried. I was devastated. It didn’t help that a few weeks later my 16 yo sister found out she was preg. She gave the baby up for adoption – which broke my heart even more.

We moved to Fl in 2000 & lived near my grandmother. I HATED it – of course, that lead me to eat even more. I was somewhere around the 250’s at that point. We set a wedding date for 8/02 sometime in the beginning of 2002. I dieted & tried to lose weight. I was, as usual, unsuccessful.. I was the fat bride no one wants to be!

We moved back to Oh right before our wedding. It was stressful – which led to stress eating. A month after we were married, my father passed away from blood clots in his lungs. It was horrible. We were very close & I took it very hard. I ate so much – it shot me right up to the 280’s. We tried getting pregnant not long after that. Nothing – I was diagnosed w/PCOS & put on metformin. It helped w/some weight loss. I was happy about that. We continued to try & get preg & finally sought out the help of a fertility specialist. He put me on drugs & finally in 4/04 I got preg. On 6/1 I was having a lot of leg pain – I thought it was a pulled muscle. It wasn’t – my leg was full of blood clots. I was in the hospital a week & off of work for a month. It was horrible. I was worried about me, about the baby, about my husband. In December of 04, I gave birth to our gorgeous daughter, Cadence.

During the pregnancy I was in the 290’s – 300’s. I swore that after I had her, I was going to diet til I was in the 190’s. Didn’t happen. Although in 2006 I was in a friends wedding – I got down to 270. Like an idiot, I didn’t keep it up & gained it all back.

Me in the wedding 9/06

I’ll stop here for this post – it’s getting long & I mostly just wanted to introduce myself & give my history…anyone else in the same boat as me? Any words of encouragement? Any words of advice? I’m open to ALL of it!!! Please comment your suggestions, encouragement, advice – thanks for helping..all prayers welcome..i need as many as i can get!

Me now…